Boy oh boy, it's been too long.

I'm living in Orange County... soon to be LA. And, I'm working as an assistant teacher as a school for the time-being. I've been substituting, but basically replaced a teacher who's been out on an injury since the beginning of the school year and continuing through the end of the holidays.
It's been great- amazing people, amazing kids, making a tad bit of money, and leading me to think that I should get a teaching credential. I'm getting lots of sweet compliments that I'm great with kids and all of that stuff, which I won't bore you about reading, but I figure I could get an official document that would allow me to work anywhere in California doing this... in case.

However, come January, I intend to be in LA auditioning, meeting people, enjoying my 20's which the earlier part is soon coming to an end(!!!!)

I'll be turning 24 in just a couple of weeks... I'm stressed over it.
I've even fainted! Completely unrelated and random- Saturday night. Weird situation... But, come on! I mean, it's happening so quickly! I wish I could go back to the age of 6 or 7 where I was singing and dancing around the house, took piano and dance lessons, watched Beauty and the Beast and The Little Mermaid on repeat, and played Peter Pan with my brother and our friends.

I guess there are perks to growing up and advantages to be independent, but it's depressing to think about too long...

I'm optimistic, however, that things will fall where they should.

Also, I read a friend's facebook status today that I found very whimsical and lovely:
"You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face
and show the world all the love in your heart ♥"

I noticed later that it's a Carole King song, Beautiful. And, indeed it is.


Peace, love, smiles,
Tal

I did a reading of a new play, "Peter," by a fantastic writer, Kelly Feustel, a few weeks ago. Following the reading we did a Q&A and I gotta tell you, the feeling that you get when among artistic and creative people is like none other. It was great that over a minimally-staged reading people can discuss and interpret things in so many way. It's truly the magic of theater and the arts.
I think the question that I'm raising today is What Can I Do To Help?
(For one, http://www.indiegogo.com/Dreamcatcher-Theatreworks-presents-FaceSpace is a site where you can donate to help Kelly's theater company Dreamcatch Theatreworks get up and running some more!)
But, aside from that- I was thinking. How can I donate my time, my efforts, to getting theater and the arts widely accepted and available? I still don't really know the answer- if you do, let me know. But, I think that just like the discussion we had after the reading, it's all about talking about it. Talk about it with your theater friends, with your colleagues, with strangers at the bookstore. I think getting it out there is what makes theater go-round.

I was talking to my roommate last night about how the people that go to see theater are the people who work in the theater! We are basically financially supporting one another more so than anyone else! Isn't that silly? A carpenter doesn't have other carpenters buying from him, 'cause they can each make their own... Not that I think we shouldn't be active in this world because that'd be no fun, but we need others to come and participate just as much.

Well, that's just a thought that probed into my mind today.

...................


Yesterday I had a bit of a heartbreak. I never let myself expect something out of an audition, but yesterday's was different. I can't specify details, but I was what appeared to everyone and myself a sure thing for a prestigious show that is coming to the Broad-way in the Fall. The audition was fab, the connections beyond fab... everything going my way, right? And then, what could go wrong? Well... to put it bluntly- look. type. whatever you want to call it.
Something about how I looked didn't fit into the mold of what was going to end up comprising the show.
This is the reason we always do or don't get work. It just really struck a painful chord with me that I did everything in my power and the show creator's powers that I should be doing, but I'm not the right type. There's no one to blame, no hard feelings, nothing I can do... the end.

I haven't felt as stingy of a heartbreak for quite a while, I must say. I think I set myself up thinking I was going to get something that wasn't a guarantee, really, so the downfall is worst. I often say that I am a pessimist when it comes to auditioning so that when I book something it's the highest of highs and when I don't, I accept it and move on. In life I'm not like that, though I used to be. I expect great things to happen in life and am very optimistic in that regard. I think that by setting myself up for success and not achieving it, when it comes to auditions, is much more painful than saying to myself "I know I can book this. I know I can do really well, and if not it's okay. Whatever." By thinking the latter, I set myself up to give my best audition, but I let it go once I walk out of the room. This time, it was tougher to take.
Note to self: Keep thinking the latter.


Well, needless to say I feel disappointed today, but I'm also optimistic that I'm meant to be doing something else right now. I am planning to go traveling as soon as possible. Looks like I'll be going to California by the end of this month, and then I'm definitely going to Europe and Israel. I have a few more auditions in the next week and a half, and I'm going to continue to plow through and do my best at each and everyone, because it's what I desperately want to be doing. But, I know that theater isn't my life. It's a huge part of my life, but I can't sit around when I feel an urge to go abroad, or go back to school, or do a different job, or whatever it may be. I'm feeling the urge to go roam the world and get re-inspired. And it's what I'm planning on doing. I'll be auditioning until the day I'm traveling and I'll be back at it when I return, because that part of my life is the one that brings me the most passion and joy at this point of my life.

I liken my life to my hand. Theater is my big ol' thumb. It's the one that helps make my life live-able. It is the passion behind all that I do (at this point in my life), and it's the biggest part of my life. That being said, there are four other fingers, knuckles, joints, and nails to think about and to discover. I told my friend, Dana, this metaphor today and I think she cringed quite a bit... but it's true, don't ya think?

I'm off to discover what other parts of my life are while I continue to do what I love, which is perform. I am not "giving up" and I am not even "taking a break." Performing is part of my life, not my life, and I just happen to be participating in other activities more than that one right now.

So, the plan is thus:
Out of NYC by the end of March (unless I book something that brings me joy).
"Babysit" slash hang out with my younger brother in California when my parents go on a vacation.
Vegas with my mommy-leh to see Celine Dion <3
Europaa (too many specifics to list)
Israel
LA

More info at a later date. I'm over it right now.

*And this post was more so for myself than anyone else. Because come to think of it, I just needed to place my thoughts down. I legit don't think anyone reads this. Maybe my mom every blue moon or if I tell her to. If you have any thoughts to share, though, they'd be much appreciated.

Debbie-Downer

I had a dream a few nights ago that was very bizarre. I was marrying an acquaintance- who happens to be gay- in California. And I was inviting people the day of and asking them to participate in the wedding party on a whim. Honestly, it's an embarrassing dream... I flew out to California where the wedding was going to take place, and everyyyone was in the dream. People from New York, from LA, from abroad. But I didn't even know the wedding was going to happen until the day it was happening. And even then, nothing was planned. It just kind of showed up. I needed to find a dress, find location, find a person to marry us, everyyything. I was all scattered and most people didn't even know that I was engaged. Hell- I didn't know! My dream fiance was not someone I didn't know in real life- I know this guy, but we're not even good friends. I just see him at some parties and such. Sooo weird!
To make a long and ridiculous story short, I didn't even look for a dress or get married, but the dream was more of an uncomfortable limbo of anxiety.

Thank goodness that's not my reality!

I tried to analyze this as to what it could mean- maybe I want to get married? Maybe it's a sign that I find all the gay men in my life to be safe and that I am practically married to them rather than someone who is actually attracted to me...

Well, I pondered and pondered because all of the things I mentioned above were already in my head. I know that one day I'll get married and I know that I find great solace and friendship in many of my gay guy friends, but in NO way would I ever imagine spending my life with them, nor expect them to want that from me. Obviously.

Yesterday I had an appointment audition for a theater in Florida. If I hadn't gone I probably would have had a better chance of booking the job. It was truly the most bombed and god-awful audition of my life. I had to do 2 monologues, a song, and tell a joke. The song was to be acapella and the monologues to be contrasting.
My first monologue was a little over a minute. I began, felt good about it, and continued... and about two lines to the end they raised their hands. "TIME." hmm... okay. so this is how it's gonna be. I started into my second one with a lot of excitement to try and refresh... and, lucky for me, I flub a line which leads me to screw up in general. I ask to start again. They say yes. Then I start over and they stop me. "TIME." Well... grrreat (sarcasm). Then they ask for my song. I sang a musical theater song, which without accompaniment was not my preferred choice. I sang well and felt good about it. Then, they asked for a joke. I told them a cute one and they snorted and kind of laughed. I felt really uncomfortable the entire time I was there. They made the space feel very cold from the moment I walked in and I felt that they weren't the people wanting me to succeed that everyone talks about. Instead, they seemed bored the moment I walked in, with the exception of make the obvious "joke" saying "Tal, you are tall." Ha. Ha. Ha.

Well, what did I learn from this experience? That being prepared is the only thing that you can control, and when you fail to do so above and beyond 100% you screw yourself over. However, some things are just not meant to happen. I'd love to be going to Florida to work on a show in a few weeks instead of sticking around here in NYC. But, not if it means dealing with people that aren't excited and or passionate. For all I know, the people behind the table may have just had an off day or off hour. Maybe I wasn't what they were looking for and they didn't want to waste anytime at all (yet again they called me in for an appointment).
Either way, the only thing I can do in the future is be beyond prepared so that I don't feel as uncomfortable or awkward in the room as I did yesterday. And perhaps it's better not to audition if I'm not.

So why did I share the dream story? Because I think that in some way it was a foreshadowing of yesterday's events. Plan. PLAN. PLAN! It's the only way to know that you're doing your part and you can't beat yourself up over how you did later.

I also feel like I really need to get back into a class that exercises my acting muscles and gets me going. I need to be creatively stimulated and constantly expressing myself or I feel different performing. This is one reason I'm really ecstatic that I am performing this on Sunday night at The Duplex. I'll be singing two songs in a friend's cabaret. I'll put up videos when I have them. Should be a great night, and I hope I have some friendly support in the audience.


Recently, more than ever, I have been feeling a pull to go back to California. I feel like a big fish in a smaller pool there- at least in regards to theater, and I was getting great callbacks for a lot of projects. I think I want to move back out there and hone my craft and work work work. I would like to be on Broadway today, but that's not happening right now, and I don't know if it will in the very near future, either. I think I need to grow into a lot of roles that I can play, and I would be very happy working in Equity theaters elsewhere right now where I can develop into a stronger actress and be working in a field that I love. My life just feels really unbalanced right now, and I don't feel like I'm living as passionately as I would like to.

I'll be making my official decision by the end of March.

Frozen Tundra

It's sooooo fucking cold! Whyyyy?

On top of it being cold outside, the hotel I work at is FREEZING, as well! The doors keep sliding open and a rush of frigid wind blows in. It just adds to the annoyance that has been this winter. Everything is moving soo slowly.

I can't deal with much more. Living in Astoria has become a major pain in the cold. The 5 minute walk to the subway feels like an eternity. Waiting for the subway to leave the station is in itself another frustrating experience. You never know if it will leave once you get on it or if you'll be stuck sitting on it for a good 15 minutes before it journeys into Manhattan, which is also too far for me right now. It takes me almost an hour to get to work- leaving me with a lot of unhappiness once I reach the igloo that is my desk.


Then, once I get here to this frozen over hell, I am surrounded by egotistical pricks. One particular manager, let's call him Harry, acts as though he is superior to everyone and everything on this planet. His second-in-command is a dimwit who stares off into space and doesn't know right from left. Harry likes to use his cell phone and when you are using yours (for when your boss texts you) he gets upset... Lead by example, perhaps? The thing is, the concierge company I work for does not work for these corporate hotels. Rather, they rent the space so that they can sell tickets, tours, etc. So we really shouldn't need to follow their commands at every moment. Pain in my ass.

(Shout out to James! He's cool.)

Life right now just feels like one long waiting game. I'm waiting for the next audition and the next performance. I just want to be doing something fun and passion-filled. I think that come April I will be abroad in Europe or Australia, and Israel for a few weeks/months. I need to get out and enjoy what surrounds us and what's in nature. I'm just hoping that I have the strength to survive all of this BS in the meanwhile.

Another thing that frustrates me right now are people. It's upsetting to me that not everyone is empathetic and caring. So many people, particularly, in the hotel business, are sly and conniving. They just manipulate and lie... and I don't get it. What makes them that way? I talked to my mom about this recently and she told me that education and family dynamics have a lot to do with it. But I can't help but wonder how some of my friends who have grown up in "broken" homes have turned into stunning beautiful people, while others have turned into the polar opposite. I need to find the good in everyone again. I used to believe that people are generally good in their core, but my opinion is changing. I want to live among happy and positive people. But, I also don't want to be sheltered from the reality that everyone else is living. It's very depressing that so many people live in harsh and horrible conditions. Why can't everyone, as Ellen says, be KIND to one another? Seriously, peeps. Seriously.

It's an easy choice- smile or be a douche. It takes much less energy to smile. Not only are you putting happiness unto others, you're increasing your own endorphins and making you happier by default! Look at that! Amazing.

So, I hate to put out all of that negativity regarding my dislike for a particular Debbie-downer, but I am using Harry as an example. There are billions of him out there.

....

Moving on.

I saw American Idiot last week, co-starring Melissa Etheridge for the week. She was stellar! I loved it! I won the lottery and sat front row(!!) where it blew my mind. The cast is fantastic- so powerful and energetic. They were GIVING every moment...
which leads me to the show I saw the following night where they were not....

Spiderman: Turn off the Dark, aka spiderman: turn the houselights on
I refused to actually pay money towards this show, so I ended up lucky that my friend got me comps. I think it's absolutely embarassing and egotistical for $65 MILLION dollars to be shelled out on a project like this. Do they realiiize how much money that is?! Thousands of teachers in New York are losing their jobs this year- $65 million could have gone to saving their jobs, among additional educational projects. It could have gone anywhere!
I, of course, believe that we should be investing in the arts- hell! I am IN the arts- but who in his/her right mind said "YES! $65 million dollars to make SPIDERMAN, the MUSICAL." I mean, really?? What were you thinking?!
Basically, the Michael Riedel article from the NY Times sums up exactly what i said to anyone willing to listen, and it can be read here: http://theater.nytimes.com/2011/02/08/theater/reviews/spiderman-review.html?scp=1&sq=spiderman&st=cse

In summary, it was disconnected, poorly written, filled with unmemorable music, and tiring to watch. I literally started to doze off in Act Two, when a flying tarantula was singing some bizarre music. The cast- they're talented- I mean they're on the Broad-Way. I just think the show was poorly conceived and didn't let them be their amazing selves.

Well, when it first started I thought it could be okay- it looked really pretty! All of these gorgeous orange silk sheets flying around and people swinging around. But then... oh boy....

I don't really want to write about it anymore, actually. So I'm moving on...


In fact, I think I'm done with this post.

peace, happiness, and kindness.
~Tal

Goodbye until tomorrow...

This weekend was filled with a lot of passion, sadness, and joy.

Friday night was my wonderful friend, Abby, and her fiance's goodbye party. They are moving to the Midwest and I am so excited for them and the adventure and life that they're starting up! BUT, at the same time it is also heartbreaking to see a dear friend of mine leave New York. In New York City we are always saying hello and goodbye. There's no constant here. That's part of the reason I like it, but when you've known someone for over 5 years who you admire so much it's hard to see them go. I've been bugging Abby for weeks now about "leaving me" with, what I hope she is finding, amusing text messages and facebook wall posts.
I've known Abby since I first got to Pace University in 2005. She was one of the cool kids and definitely someone I looked up to. We only became close friends in the latter part of college when she kind of joined my class year- 'cause she booked a tour and left for a while (she's talented like that). Long storyshort, it's been wildly wonderful to have a friend who I feel like I can share so much without abandon. I have always felt like I can speak honestly and openly to Abby because she is so welcoming and forthright. You rarely meet such a genuine person- perhaps one of the reasons why she's going back to where she's from (the people there sound lovely!)

The goodbye party we had for the two of them was an absolute blast. There were only wonderful people there. Seriously. No bullshitting people or fakes... it was just a group of people who deeply care and are generally kind. After a few hours it dwindled down to a few of us who pulled out some musical instruments and ended up having a jam session into the wee hours of the night. It was a really lovely way to say "see you later" and it all ended on a super happy note. Can't wait to see my friend again in the future and so excited for the happy couple!!


.......


The following morning I was supposed to see my super talented friend, Kate, in a Wicked workshop... but couldn't make it. Let's just say, I hate winter.
I'm sure she was incredible, as usual... but I was sad 'cause I haven't seen her in a while and I adore her, her husband, and friends! It was a bummer.

.......

Last night, however, I went out with a few friends in the West Village. I forgot how wild it gets out there. It was incredible fun! Met a bunch of my friend's friends and all that... even acted as a little Yenta and made a match happen between two strangers I didn't even know at the beginning of the night.

Made it home after waiting for the subway for an absurd amount of time, and now guess where I am?
Yup... work. The uje.

I'm seeing two wonderful friends for dinner tonight and can't wait. At least that's something for me to look forward to for the rest of the day.


peace, love, and harmony.
~T

Happy 2011

Quite a bit has happened since mid-December and my last post.

The first major blizzard of this winter happened. It's gotten painfully frigid here. And I'm tired of the commute from Astoria 'cause it's sooo cold. I adore my sweet roommate and the apartment itself. But the cooold! Oy.

I had a wild and fun new years- attended about 5 parties. My friend, James, and his two buddies came into Manhattan and we were all over the place. I got hit in the eye with a snowball by accident, which left me with an eye inflammation for about a week :/

But everything turned wonderful when I reached California for a two-week vacation... and boy, oh boy was it a wonderful vacation! It was wondrous weather, wondrous company, wondrous everything. I spent so many morning and afternoons with my mom wandering around, shopping, going to the beach, strolling around... then cafes and bars with some friends, seeing my friend's new baby (precious!), adventuring in LA, and then to end it all a girls-weekend out in Vegas, followed by pool/jacuzzi/smoothie fun when we got back, the Golden Globes, and Disneyland with my younger brother the next day.
Yes, I realize that was all one wildly outrageous run-on sentence. I just couldn't contain myself! It was sooo much fun!

And since the trip I've been struggling with whether to return to the joys of Los Angeles and California... to make a very long story short, though, I have decided that if I leave now all that I have worked on the past few months since September will sort of have been a waste. Or so I feel. I didn't do anything, really. I kind of just supported myself. Which is great! BUT, I didn't accomplish any great feat or book a great show or a job that I actually want to be doing all the time. So, I made money and then I spent it on living. The end? Not good enough for me... I am developing a stronger network here, and really LOVE the theater world here and am just dying to be a greater part of it. I'm continuing to get to know people in the industry and hopeful that together our talents will conjoin.

I'm planning a trip abroad this Spring if I'm not working where I want to be come April... and I will reassess when I'm off in Ireland in the sunlit green fields. :)

In the meanwhile, I am here working in the hotel business (Shout out to Jamie- one of my hotel front desk followers)... and there are perks. Last night I had free dinner at an unbelievably delicious Italian home-style restaurant right by our hotel. I'm definitely suggesting you all go- Trattoria Del Casa Isaaco. You will be glad you did! I guarantee. Not only is the food soo flavorful and rich (addictive, might I add), but the host of the evening, the owner, runs the whole place like it's house and personally comes up to each of the 10 tables to tell you the specials, get your orders, and even sing to you. You leave with a kiss or hug... I know I'll be back.

Signing off for now. I'm going to read some of my new book, The Kind Diet- thank you and shout out to Michelle, another fab front-desk-y, for the book!

peace, love, kisses, and kindness,
Tal