Debbie-Downer

I had a dream a few nights ago that was very bizarre. I was marrying an acquaintance- who happens to be gay- in California. And I was inviting people the day of and asking them to participate in the wedding party on a whim. Honestly, it's an embarrassing dream... I flew out to California where the wedding was going to take place, and everyyyone was in the dream. People from New York, from LA, from abroad. But I didn't even know the wedding was going to happen until the day it was happening. And even then, nothing was planned. It just kind of showed up. I needed to find a dress, find location, find a person to marry us, everyyything. I was all scattered and most people didn't even know that I was engaged. Hell- I didn't know! My dream fiance was not someone I didn't know in real life- I know this guy, but we're not even good friends. I just see him at some parties and such. Sooo weird!
To make a long and ridiculous story short, I didn't even look for a dress or get married, but the dream was more of an uncomfortable limbo of anxiety.

Thank goodness that's not my reality!

I tried to analyze this as to what it could mean- maybe I want to get married? Maybe it's a sign that I find all the gay men in my life to be safe and that I am practically married to them rather than someone who is actually attracted to me...

Well, I pondered and pondered because all of the things I mentioned above were already in my head. I know that one day I'll get married and I know that I find great solace and friendship in many of my gay guy friends, but in NO way would I ever imagine spending my life with them, nor expect them to want that from me. Obviously.

Yesterday I had an appointment audition for a theater in Florida. If I hadn't gone I probably would have had a better chance of booking the job. It was truly the most bombed and god-awful audition of my life. I had to do 2 monologues, a song, and tell a joke. The song was to be acapella and the monologues to be contrasting.
My first monologue was a little over a minute. I began, felt good about it, and continued... and about two lines to the end they raised their hands. "TIME." hmm... okay. so this is how it's gonna be. I started into my second one with a lot of excitement to try and refresh... and, lucky for me, I flub a line which leads me to screw up in general. I ask to start again. They say yes. Then I start over and they stop me. "TIME." Well... grrreat (sarcasm). Then they ask for my song. I sang a musical theater song, which without accompaniment was not my preferred choice. I sang well and felt good about it. Then, they asked for a joke. I told them a cute one and they snorted and kind of laughed. I felt really uncomfortable the entire time I was there. They made the space feel very cold from the moment I walked in and I felt that they weren't the people wanting me to succeed that everyone talks about. Instead, they seemed bored the moment I walked in, with the exception of make the obvious "joke" saying "Tal, you are tall." Ha. Ha. Ha.

Well, what did I learn from this experience? That being prepared is the only thing that you can control, and when you fail to do so above and beyond 100% you screw yourself over. However, some things are just not meant to happen. I'd love to be going to Florida to work on a show in a few weeks instead of sticking around here in NYC. But, not if it means dealing with people that aren't excited and or passionate. For all I know, the people behind the table may have just had an off day or off hour. Maybe I wasn't what they were looking for and they didn't want to waste anytime at all (yet again they called me in for an appointment).
Either way, the only thing I can do in the future is be beyond prepared so that I don't feel as uncomfortable or awkward in the room as I did yesterday. And perhaps it's better not to audition if I'm not.

So why did I share the dream story? Because I think that in some way it was a foreshadowing of yesterday's events. Plan. PLAN. PLAN! It's the only way to know that you're doing your part and you can't beat yourself up over how you did later.

I also feel like I really need to get back into a class that exercises my acting muscles and gets me going. I need to be creatively stimulated and constantly expressing myself or I feel different performing. This is one reason I'm really ecstatic that I am performing this on Sunday night at The Duplex. I'll be singing two songs in a friend's cabaret. I'll put up videos when I have them. Should be a great night, and I hope I have some friendly support in the audience.


Recently, more than ever, I have been feeling a pull to go back to California. I feel like a big fish in a smaller pool there- at least in regards to theater, and I was getting great callbacks for a lot of projects. I think I want to move back out there and hone my craft and work work work. I would like to be on Broadway today, but that's not happening right now, and I don't know if it will in the very near future, either. I think I need to grow into a lot of roles that I can play, and I would be very happy working in Equity theaters elsewhere right now where I can develop into a stronger actress and be working in a field that I love. My life just feels really unbalanced right now, and I don't feel like I'm living as passionately as I would like to.

I'll be making my official decision by the end of March.