I had a dream a few nights ago that was very bizarre. I was marrying an acquaintance- who happens to be gay- in California. And I was inviting people the day of and asking them to participate in the wedding party on a whim. Honestly, it's an embarrassing dream... I flew out to California where the wedding was going to take place, and everyyyone was in the dream. People from New York, from LA, from abroad. But I didn't even know the wedding was going to happen until the day it was happening. And even then, nothing was planned. It just kind of showed up. I needed to find a dress, find location, find a person to marry us, everyyything. I was all scattered and most people didn't even know that I was engaged. Hell- I didn't know! My dream fiance was not someone I didn't know in real life- I know this guy, but we're not even good friends. I just see him at some parties and such. Sooo weird!
To make a long and ridiculous story short, I didn't even look for a dress or get married, but the dream was more of an uncomfortable limbo of anxiety.
Thank goodness that's not my reality!
I tried to analyze this as to what it could mean- maybe I want to get married? Maybe it's a sign that I find all the gay men in my life to be safe and that I am practically married to them rather than someone who is actually attracted to me...
Well, I pondered and pondered because all of the things I mentioned above were already in my head. I know that one day I'll get married and I know that I find great solace and friendship in many of my gay guy friends, but in NO way would I ever imagine spending my life with them, nor expect them to want that from me. Obviously.
Yesterday I had an appointment audition for a theater in Florida. If I hadn't gone I probably would have had a better chance of booking the job. It was truly the most bombed and god-awful audition of my life. I had to do 2 monologues, a song, and tell a joke. The song was to be acapella and the monologues to be contrasting.
My first monologue was a little over a minute. I began, felt good about it, and continued... and about two lines to the end they raised their hands. "TIME." hmm... okay. so this is how it's gonna be. I started into my second one with a lot of excitement to try and refresh... and, lucky for me, I flub a line which leads me to screw up in general. I ask to start again. They say yes. Then I start over and they stop me. "TIME." Well... grrreat (sarcasm). Then they ask for my song. I sang a musical theater song, which without accompaniment was not my preferred choice. I sang well and felt good about it. Then, they asked for a joke. I told them a cute one and they snorted and kind of laughed. I felt really uncomfortable the entire time I was there. They made the space feel very cold from the moment I walked in and I felt that they weren't the people wanting me to succeed that everyone talks about. Instead, they seemed bored the moment I walked in, with the exception of make the obvious "joke" saying "Tal, you are tall." Ha. Ha. Ha.
Well, what did I learn from this experience? That being prepared is the only thing that you can control, and when you fail to do so above and beyond 100% you screw yourself over. However, some things are just not meant to happen. I'd love to be going to Florida to work on a show in a few weeks instead of sticking around here in NYC. But, not if it means dealing with people that aren't excited and or passionate. For all I know, the people behind the table may have just had an off day or off hour. Maybe I wasn't what they were looking for and they didn't want to waste anytime at all (yet again they called me in for an appointment).
Either way, the only thing I can do in the future is be beyond prepared so that I don't feel as uncomfortable or awkward in the room as I did yesterday. And perhaps it's better not to audition if I'm not.
So why did I share the dream story? Because I think that in some way it was a foreshadowing of yesterday's events. Plan. PLAN. PLAN! It's the only way to know that you're doing your part and you can't beat yourself up over how you did later.
I also feel like I really need to get back into a class that exercises my acting muscles and gets me going. I need to be creatively stimulated and constantly expressing myself or I feel different performing. This is one reason I'm really ecstatic that I am performing this on Sunday night at The Duplex. I'll be singing two songs in a friend's cabaret. I'll put up videos when I have them. Should be a great night, and I hope I have some friendly support in the audience.
Recently, more than ever, I have been feeling a pull to go back to California. I feel like a big fish in a smaller pool there- at least in regards to theater, and I was getting great callbacks for a lot of projects. I think I want to move back out there and hone my craft and work work work. I would like to be on Broadway today, but that's not happening right now, and I don't know if it will in the very near future, either. I think I need to grow into a lot of roles that I can play, and I would be very happy working in Equity theaters elsewhere right now where I can develop into a stronger actress and be working in a field that I love. My life just feels really unbalanced right now, and I don't feel like I'm living as passionately as I would like to.
I'll be making my official decision by the end of March.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Frozen Tundra
It's sooooo fucking cold! Whyyyy?
On top of it being cold outside, the hotel I work at is FREEZING, as well! The doors keep sliding open and a rush of frigid wind blows in. It just adds to the annoyance that has been this winter. Everything is moving soo slowly.
I can't deal with much more. Living in Astoria has become a major pain in the cold. The 5 minute walk to the subway feels like an eternity. Waiting for the subway to leave the station is in itself another frustrating experience. You never know if it will leave once you get on it or if you'll be stuck sitting on it for a good 15 minutes before it journeys into Manhattan, which is also too far for me right now. It takes me almost an hour to get to work- leaving me with a lot of unhappiness once I reach the igloo that is my desk.
Then, once I get here to this frozen over hell, I am surrounded by egotistical pricks. One particular manager, let's call him Harry, acts as though he is superior to everyone and everything on this planet. His second-in-command is a dimwit who stares off into space and doesn't know right from left. Harry likes to use his cell phone and when you are using yours (for when your boss texts you) he gets upset... Lead by example, perhaps? The thing is, the concierge company I work for does not work for these corporate hotels. Rather, they rent the space so that they can sell tickets, tours, etc. So we really shouldn't need to follow their commands at every moment. Pain in my ass.
(Shout out to James! He's cool.)
Life right now just feels like one long waiting game. I'm waiting for the next audition and the next performance. I just want to be doing something fun and passion-filled. I think that come April I will be abroad in Europe or Australia, and Israel for a few weeks/months. I need to get out and enjoy what surrounds us and what's in nature. I'm just hoping that I have the strength to survive all of this BS in the meanwhile.
Another thing that frustrates me right now are people. It's upsetting to me that not everyone is empathetic and caring. So many people, particularly, in the hotel business, are sly and conniving. They just manipulate and lie... and I don't get it. What makes them that way? I talked to my mom about this recently and she told me that education and family dynamics have a lot to do with it. But I can't help but wonder how some of my friends who have grown up in "broken" homes have turned into stunning beautiful people, while others have turned into the polar opposite. I need to find the good in everyone again. I used to believe that people are generally good in their core, but my opinion is changing. I want to live among happy and positive people. But, I also don't want to be sheltered from the reality that everyone else is living. It's very depressing that so many people live in harsh and horrible conditions. Why can't everyone, as Ellen says, be KIND to one another? Seriously, peeps. Seriously.
It's an easy choice- smile or be a douche. It takes much less energy to smile. Not only are you putting happiness unto others, you're increasing your own endorphins and making you happier by default! Look at that! Amazing.
So, I hate to put out all of that negativity regarding my dislike for a particular Debbie-downer, but I am using Harry as an example. There are billions of him out there.
....
Moving on.
I saw American Idiot last week, co-starring Melissa Etheridge for the week. She was stellar! I loved it! I won the lottery and sat front row(!!) where it blew my mind. The cast is fantastic- so powerful and energetic. They were GIVING every moment...
which leads me to the show I saw the following night where they were not....
Spiderman: Turn off the Dark, aka spiderman: turn the houselights on
I refused to actually pay money towards this show, so I ended up lucky that my friend got me comps. I think it's absolutely embarassing and egotistical for $65 MILLION dollars to be shelled out on a project like this. Do they realiiize how much money that is?! Thousands of teachers in New York are losing their jobs this year- $65 million could have gone to saving their jobs, among additional educational projects. It could have gone anywhere!
I, of course, believe that we should be investing in the arts- hell! I am IN the arts- but who in his/her right mind said "YES! $65 million dollars to make SPIDERMAN, the MUSICAL." I mean, really?? What were you thinking?!
Basically, the Michael Riedel article from the NY Times sums up exactly what i said to anyone willing to listen, and it can be read here: http://theater.nytimes.com/2011/02/08/theater/reviews/spiderman-review.html?scp=1&sq=spiderman&st=cse
In summary, it was disconnected, poorly written, filled with unmemorable music, and tiring to watch. I literally started to doze off in Act Two, when a flying tarantula was singing some bizarre music. The cast- they're talented- I mean they're on the Broad-Way. I just think the show was poorly conceived and didn't let them be their amazing selves.
Well, when it first started I thought it could be okay- it looked really pretty! All of these gorgeous orange silk sheets flying around and people swinging around. But then... oh boy....
I don't really want to write about it anymore, actually. So I'm moving on...
In fact, I think I'm done with this post.
peace, happiness, and kindness.
~Tal
On top of it being cold outside, the hotel I work at is FREEZING, as well! The doors keep sliding open and a rush of frigid wind blows in. It just adds to the annoyance that has been this winter. Everything is moving soo slowly.
I can't deal with much more. Living in Astoria has become a major pain in the cold. The 5 minute walk to the subway feels like an eternity. Waiting for the subway to leave the station is in itself another frustrating experience. You never know if it will leave once you get on it or if you'll be stuck sitting on it for a good 15 minutes before it journeys into Manhattan, which is also too far for me right now. It takes me almost an hour to get to work- leaving me with a lot of unhappiness once I reach the igloo that is my desk.
Then, once I get here to this frozen over hell, I am surrounded by egotistical pricks. One particular manager, let's call him Harry, acts as though he is superior to everyone and everything on this planet. His second-in-command is a dimwit who stares off into space and doesn't know right from left. Harry likes to use his cell phone and when you are using yours (for when your boss texts you) he gets upset... Lead by example, perhaps? The thing is, the concierge company I work for does not work for these corporate hotels. Rather, they rent the space so that they can sell tickets, tours, etc. So we really shouldn't need to follow their commands at every moment. Pain in my ass.
(Shout out to James! He's cool.)
Life right now just feels like one long waiting game. I'm waiting for the next audition and the next performance. I just want to be doing something fun and passion-filled. I think that come April I will be abroad in Europe or Australia, and Israel for a few weeks/months. I need to get out and enjoy what surrounds us and what's in nature. I'm just hoping that I have the strength to survive all of this BS in the meanwhile.
Another thing that frustrates me right now are people. It's upsetting to me that not everyone is empathetic and caring. So many people, particularly, in the hotel business, are sly and conniving. They just manipulate and lie... and I don't get it. What makes them that way? I talked to my mom about this recently and she told me that education and family dynamics have a lot to do with it. But I can't help but wonder how some of my friends who have grown up in "broken" homes have turned into stunning beautiful people, while others have turned into the polar opposite. I need to find the good in everyone again. I used to believe that people are generally good in their core, but my opinion is changing. I want to live among happy and positive people. But, I also don't want to be sheltered from the reality that everyone else is living. It's very depressing that so many people live in harsh and horrible conditions. Why can't everyone, as Ellen says, be KIND to one another? Seriously, peeps. Seriously.
It's an easy choice- smile or be a douche. It takes much less energy to smile. Not only are you putting happiness unto others, you're increasing your own endorphins and making you happier by default! Look at that! Amazing.
So, I hate to put out all of that negativity regarding my dislike for a particular Debbie-downer, but I am using Harry as an example. There are billions of him out there.
....
Moving on.
I saw American Idiot last week, co-starring Melissa Etheridge for the week. She was stellar! I loved it! I won the lottery and sat front row(!!) where it blew my mind. The cast is fantastic- so powerful and energetic. They were GIVING every moment...
which leads me to the show I saw the following night where they were not....
Spiderman: Turn off the Dark, aka spiderman: turn the houselights on
I refused to actually pay money towards this show, so I ended up lucky that my friend got me comps. I think it's absolutely embarassing and egotistical for $65 MILLION dollars to be shelled out on a project like this. Do they realiiize how much money that is?! Thousands of teachers in New York are losing their jobs this year- $65 million could have gone to saving their jobs, among additional educational projects. It could have gone anywhere!
I, of course, believe that we should be investing in the arts- hell! I am IN the arts- but who in his/her right mind said "YES! $65 million dollars to make SPIDERMAN, the MUSICAL." I mean, really?? What were you thinking?!
Basically, the Michael Riedel article from the NY Times sums up exactly what i said to anyone willing to listen, and it can be read here: http://theater.nytimes.com/2011/02/08/theater/reviews/spiderman-review.html?scp=1&sq=spiderman&st=cse
In summary, it was disconnected, poorly written, filled with unmemorable music, and tiring to watch. I literally started to doze off in Act Two, when a flying tarantula was singing some bizarre music. The cast- they're talented- I mean they're on the Broad-Way. I just think the show was poorly conceived and didn't let them be their amazing selves.
Well, when it first started I thought it could be okay- it looked really pretty! All of these gorgeous orange silk sheets flying around and people swinging around. But then... oh boy....
I don't really want to write about it anymore, actually. So I'm moving on...
In fact, I think I'm done with this post.
peace, happiness, and kindness.
~Tal
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